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January 2008

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Anger without Enthusiasm?

I'm here to tell you... my wanna be ex is quite a piece of work.  Yes, yes, I knew that already.  I'm supposed to be a really smart girl, I know.  

I want to be a therapist when I grow up, I've been practicing my whole life for it.  Sensitive, empathic types can attest to this phenomenon... needy people flock to me.   I talked to a friend of mine last night and I said I'm always thrilled when someone seemingly together comes along.  

Why why why does everyone want to play stupid games?  I'd go into the whole narrative, but it truly makes me want to throw up a little, so I'll spare you.  Ok, brief synopsis, he was blatantly flirting with me... and he informed my daughter that I was the one that can't leave things in the past.  Why does my daughter need to be in the middle of this anyway? Its all about PERCEPTION.  I'm tired of the he said she said...   

I never quite grasped why suicide rates go up over the holidays, but I am beginning to get it.  No, no... that's not a threat or a cry for help, merely a moment of epiphany. 

Here's the story... I have countless times prepared Thanksgiving dinner for many different people.   This year even though the divorce is on the horizon my 'ex' had asked me to make dinner.  Call me a glutton for punishment but I actually like cooking and preparing a big meal even though it stresses me out a little.  So I thought we were rolling along with this plan and last week he tells me his mother had invited him over.   He plans to take my kids and go to his mom's now.  I thought... well, there's always a plan b.  I was pondering driving to New York (the Hudson Valley, not NYC) to see a friend.  He told me to come and now... well... he potentially may have to work on Friday and Saturday as well, and I don't really want to sit there with nothing to do after driving 12 hours.  Sooo... I'm in limbo. 

I'm a little hmmm disgusted with mi familia as none of them have bothered to inquire as to what I'm doing, and I've never been one for inviting myself over.  

My coworker tells me that I need to stop hanging my 'shining star' on other people.  That I need to believe in myself.  Remember the little engine that could?  Oh yeah, I think I can, I think I can.... and then he did.  I will.  I promise.