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January 2008

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And today... is the first day of the rest of your life.

This is it, today... Today I'm crawling from the twisted wreckage.  I'm tired of the Eeyorian black cloud over my head.  I'm tired of gloom, doom and dark despair.  I'm tired of being incommunicado.  My apologies to anyone I've neglected in my six weeks or so of funk.  That urge to pull the covers over my head and cry overcame me.  

It has been a rough few months, maybe even a rough year.  

The proverbial straw could have been learning of my dear friend and mentor Michael's death last week (Michael Valine, photographer).  Michael passed away October 15th.  While still wallowing in self pity I began reading through my corresponce with Michael which at the time made me cry even more, but now... in retrospect I remember one thing that Michael imparted to me with every communication.  He'd always say... remember that you are loved and cared for.  I know that, and I realize that I am going to be ok.  

Fear is such a crippling thing.  It kept me paralyzed for almost a decade.  I stood on the ledge and was afraid to leap.  Then I finally gathered the courage to leap and collapsed crying when I landed.  

I keep reminding myself that this was what I wanted.  I wanted this so badly that I could taste it, but was so afraid of failing or not being able to make it without him or so many other things.  I'm here, and I'm doing it, and now that I'm done sobbing it feels pretty good too.